


Happy Dance

by shinysparks



Category: Robin Hood (BBC 2006)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Humor, crackship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-11
Updated: 2013-05-11
Packaged: 2017-12-11 11:18:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/798114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinysparks/pseuds/shinysparks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Guy and Kate discuss killing siblings. Hilarity ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Happy Dance

"I killed your brother, Kate." Guy told her one afternoon, while they were alone in the Outlaw's camp. "He charged me - quite stupidly, I might add - and I took my sword and thrust it right through him, rearranging his internal organs quite violently. And then, he fell to the ground and died in your arms. I think he peed himself afterwards, but I'm not really sure. Well, you were there. You probably got some on your shoe."

Kate eyed him hatefully.

"But, of course, since I'm reformed and have totally changed my ways, I'm very, very sorry for doing that. In fact, I thought I'd bring it to your attention that I have a sister, and she's rather evil and annoying. If you were feeling up to it..."  
"No." Replied Kate, sternly.  
“...You could kill her..." Guy continued.  
“No.” Kate repeated, eyeing him dangerously.  
"It would make us even, and really, I wouldn't mind." Guy said, grinning. "Honest."  
"I'm not killing your sister, Guy."  
"I could pretend to mind. I could even act very upset."  
"Do I get to see tears?"  
"Only if you kick me in the nuts first."  
"Then, no." Kate said, smirking. "If I don't get real tears out of you, then it's not worth it."  
“Believe me, Kate: if you kick me in the nuts, the tears will certainly be real.” Guy assured her.  
“But if they’re not for your sister, then I’m just not interested.” Kate responded, shaking her head.

Guy groaned. "Oh, come on. Please? Pretty please? With a cherry on top?"  
"Beg." She told him, cracking an evil grin.  
"That's what I thought I was doing." Guy said, looking quite confused.  
"You’re just not doing it good enough. You need to get down on your knees and beg properly."

Guy sighed loudly, before kneeling down.

“Better?” He asked.  
“A little.” Said Kate, still smirking. “It might be better if you took your clothes off.”

Guy stared at her, his eyes wide with shock. “You want me to strip?”  
“You want me to kill your sister?” Kate answered, grinning from ear to ear.

Guy sighed loudly, pulling off his leather vest, his gauntlets and finally, his billowy, black linen shirt.

“There.” He said, tossing his clothes onto one of the nearby bunks.  
“Your pants, too.” Kate told him, chuckling.  
“But... but... I’m not wearing any underwear.” Guy said, looking quite worried.  
“And your point is?” Kate asked him, folding her arms.

“Fine. Close your eyes, then.” He ordered, sneering.

Once she had closed her eyes, Guy stood up and carefully removed his boots and his tight brown pants. He then knelt back down, wadded his pants up and placed them gently over his manhood.

“Alright.” He said. “You can open them.”

Seeing him naked and kneeling before her, Kate burst out laughing. Guy yelled in frustration, before standing up and grabbing his shirt from the bunk.

“I’ve had enough.” He snarled. “You’re just tormenting me, anyway.”  
Kate smirked at them, and then breathed a loud, exaggerated sigh. “And just when I was going to tell you what I was going to do to your sister. Oh well.”  
“What were you going to do to her?” Guy asked, trying not to sound too eager.  
“I can only tell you if you agree to dance.” Kate replied, giggling.  
Guy stared at her suspiciously. “Tell me first, then I’ll think about it.”  
“Fine.” Kate nodded. “You know the privy in the castle?”  
“Yes.”  
“I’m going to tie her up and make her slide down it. Repeatedly.”  
“Nasty. I like it." Admitted Guy, smirking. “And then?”  
“You know the gallows in the courtyard?”  
“You’re going to hang her?!” Exclaimed Guy, beaming.  
“Only from her underwear.” Kate laughed, wringing her hands together evilly.  
“Wedgie. Not bad.” Guy said. “Then what?”  
“While she’s hanging there, I’m going to tickle her with feathers!”  
“And then you stab her repeatedly with sharp, pointy objects until she squirts blood like a wonky human fountain.” Guy mused, his gray eyes filled with glee.  
“Hey, this is supposed to be my violent fantasy!” Kate snapped at him.  
“I know.” Guy said, nodding his head. “I’m just throwing it out there. Gory human fountain. Fun times?”  
“Fine. Maybe I _will_ do that. And then I’ll stab her through her black heart with the dullest blade I can find!”  
“Use a spoon. Spoons are fun.” Guy added, grinning from ear to ear. “So, do I get to watch you kill her?”  
Kate grinned. “Only if you dance for me.” She said.

Guy smiled at her, and began to shake his hips, kick his feet and wave his free arm around. He danced happily around the Outlaw’s camp, wiggling his bare bottom at Kate playfully, and singing a silly, improvised song about his sister’s corpse all the while. Kate couldn’t help but laugh at him.

Suddenly, the door to the Outlaw’s camp flew open, and the rest of the gang walked in. Upon seeing Guy’s happy dance, all of them (minus Tuck,) burst out laughing as hard as they possibly could.

“Gisborne!” Tuck bellowed, his eyes wide with shock. “What in God’s name do you think you’re doing?!”

Guy froze, his mouth dropping open and his lip wibbling furiously. “I... I... I had...um...” He began, stuttering and searching for a suitable lie. “Ants! I had ants... in my pants.”

Tuck scoffed, shaking his head and muttering something in Latin as Guy scrambled over towards his bunk. Kate sat down on one of the bunks, doubled over in pain from laughing so hard. Seeing her, Guy growled as he quickly pulled his pants back on.

“You weren’t really going to kill my sister, were you?” He spat, staring her down dangerously.  
“Of course not, Guy.” Kate said, trying hard to catch her breath. “Watching you humiliate yourself is all the revenge I need.”

“I hate you.” He told her.

Kate reached over and pecked him sweetly on the cheek.

“I know.” She replied.


End file.
